homemade blues

Haven't been blogging for a long while now. I do need some space to vent - when no one is around to listen. Hope this would be the start of something new...

Today my boss (I should say she's my senior colleague lah) asked me whether I'd like to join a session that will involve regional participants - sometime 2nd week of Jan next year. Wait. Let me re-phrase that. My boss asked me to join the session.

No big deal really. Only that I'll be taking sabbatical leave next year. Why? Because I have to.

No. Not really. I need to. And not solely due to the reasons I gave to the company, my boss, my colleagues, my friends. I just have to get away. I gave 10 years of my life to doing something that I envisioned to be a noble cause. I spent almost every waking hour of those years working, or thinking about work. Am still spending it as such.

I guess a lot of people find work therapeutic. It's a way to escape from the other harsh reality - family life. Unlike family life, work provides a separate space, a separate group of people to interact with, an alternative environment where you can, to a certain extent, be an individual.

In family life, you're either a mother or a father, a son or a daughter, a sister or a brother, etc. Most times, you're all that. Don't you think?

I'm the designated coordinator for family events. Most of the time, I guess I don't mind. Because I accepted it as part of my responsibility. I'm the eldest daughter. The eldest granchild. The eldest daughter-in-law. The mother-hen. My better half is the eldest son, too. I guess we're just naturally the leaders of the pack.

But I was not so, when I was younger. I always did as I was told. I speak only when spoken to. I usually find it hard to articulate my words - just for the simple reason that I think before I speak. Probably I do that too much. Then again, when I speak, others listen... Which is the good part. :p

I remember at one point, my mom told me that I have changed. I'm no longer the shy, obedient girl I used to be. This was during the early tumultuous times of my married life. Plenty of drama then.

I guess I have my work to thank for that. I'm expected to be assertive, be bold, be courageous. Somewhere along the line, I evolved. But somehow, I feel that I'm losing myself. I act assertive, bold and courageous. I find myself speaking harshly at times, even when I don't mean it. But if I don't, then things won't get done. And I find myself being taken advantage of. And that happens more times than anyone thinks.

I feel as though I'm behaving against my nature. I see that happening to those colleagues of mine who joined the company at the same time as I did. Is this what progress means? That you change yourself in the best interest of the people who pay you to increase their profit? This is really putting it bluntly, but there it is. The honest truth.

So I ask myself. What do I need to do to find myself again? I don't have to tell you those who told me that what I intend to do is ridiculous. What more with the current global financial crisis. I'm just letting the fat paycheck get away. Which is why, I'm taking leave. Not quitting altogether. And what p***** me off is - why I have to explain myself. This is my life, isn't it? Am I not the one who has to live my own life?

It goes back to what I said earlier. We're all mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, friends, lovers, enemies, what-have-you. What we do affects everyone around us. Even those we can't see, or don't even know. I'm still having trouble grasping my brain around this fact. I don't even know whether it makes sense... I'm just really looking forward to the year-long leave. Maybe, if our (well, it's more G's) lofty plans fall into place, I may as well just quit. Hmm...

Big D is next to me, and reading what I write aloud. For a 5-year old, his pronunciation is pretty good. Think it's time to stop blogging now. Till next time.