So this morning, I was looking for my glasses. I vaguely remembered putting them next to my pillow before zonking off (we came back late after attending a colleague's wedding dinner), but this morning, I just couldn't find them. I looked everywhere, the bedside table, under the bed, the dresser, the bathroom, which was not very easy considering my short-sightedness.
I searched calmly; I wasn't running late - in fact, I got up early. I wasn't too worried that I wouldn't find them because I have another pair, and I can always use my contacts. But they were my favourite pair, so... Anyway, I almost gave up, and I went to the bedside table again for something else, and then, I saw my glasses, just sitting near the edge, at the foot of the bed.
I was very sure that they weren't there just a moment before. Very, very sure. I didn't feel anything out of the ordinary, like the hair at the back of my neck stand up, or a chill down my spine, or whatever it is you're supposed to feel when something weird just happened. I asked G if he had put the glasses there. He didn't even know I was looking for them. Hhmmph.
So I guess I'll just chalk it up as another unexplained mystery.
This wasn't the first time something disappeared and re-appeared unexplicably. The last time that happened, it was in my mother's house in KB, and it was A's milk bottle. It was just so bizzare. It was late afternoon, and A was alone, sleeping in my parent's room. When I heard him cry for his milk, I went into the room to fetch his bottle which was just next to him.
To my surprise, it wasn't there. I knew it was there before because I saw it there, when I went to check on him earlier. I looked all over the bed and the room, but of course, it just wasn't there. I called Oom to make another bottle, and by then, he had already woken up, crying, and both Oom and I looked for the missing bottle. Even Oom confirmed that the bottle was on the bed when he first fell asleep.
We still couldn't find it, then I asked Oom to pick A up and bring him outside. I watched Oom walk out the room with him, and then looked back to the bed. Lo and behold, the missing bottle was there, next to the pillow A was sleeping on. I was absolutely sure that it wasn't there before, because I had almost turned the whole bed upside down looking for it earlier. Weird, huh?
At that time, I did feel a prickling sensation on my neck and along my spine. But I was more annoyed than freaked out because I needed the bottle earlier to pacify A! I told G, and he thought nothing of it. "You found the bottle, right? Just let it go," he says.
Ok, ok. I believe already.
I had great time meeting up with BY last night. We had dinner at Ani Sup Utara at TTDIJ, and then coffee at Starbucks at Plaza Masalam before I dropped her off back at the hotel. The boys joined us for dinner, but I had to send them back because A was getting restless... :)
It was great to catch up and BY is, as always, great company. I missed her infectious, bubbly laughter and sunny personality, and she had plenty of those to share, although we had discussed somewhat serious issues (namely her career...lol) during dinner and coffee. Water Dog, you're a good friend. Keep the tail wagging... :D
And today G is coming back. Joy! He should be here around early evening. I know it sounds soppy, but as much as he annoys me at times (and vice versa), I've always felt un-whole (is there such a word?) when he's not around. I guess the term "better half" does have some merit. And you'd better not be smirking when you read this, mister.
I still have hang-ups on my literary abilities, of course. But today is a happy day. Thank God It's Friday...
I was thinking - which is never a good thing, because I tend to over analyze - about my life (so far). I've got two wonderful (and quite two handfuls) boys, a loving (and sometimes quite annoying) husband, an amazing helper (which I don't know what I would do without), a great group of girlfriends (they know who they are) and a caring family... And I've come down to a conclusion that I'm downright - ordinary.
Hmmm. I've always liked ordinary. I've always abhorred attention of any kind. I've always felt comfortable being "unknown". I've always made choices that won't expose myself to any chance of negativity. And I think I've gotten too good at it, so now I'm not only "unknown", I am also "forgotten".
Hold your horses, peeps who know me and take time to read my rants.
I've just been dwelling on the fact that I've no idea what my talents are. What makes me special. I know I'm kind, and sincere, and known for my integrity and empathy, but what good is that in a dog-eat-dog world we live in these days? I've been given this opportunity to find out what I want to do (that I enjoy) and after almost 6 months, I'm still trying to figure it out.
I've been mulling over the idea that I can write (I'm working on it!), but I don't know if I'm any good at it. What if people can't relate to it? Or worse, what if people don't like it? Can I handle criticism? Or worse, can I handle rejection?
I read other people's blogs, and most will have something that they're passionate about, and so will write about, and will have pictures about, and...what do I have? I write about being passionate about writing, but what do I have to show for myself?
I know, I know. But if you don't try, how will you know? And if you fail, try and try again... Yadda-yadda-yadda. Saying it, is not like experiencing it, ok? I don't even know if I'm ready to go there. Arrrgh! It's a lifetime of insecurities, I must say. I'll readily admit that I'm a coward, afraid to take risks to avoid getting hurt. And avoid hurting other people who have great expectations of me.
It's not of an earth-shattering issue, of course, this low self esteem of mine. There are others having worse problems a million times over. I'm just like an insignificant speck of dust on the top shelf of the cabinet in the room under the stairs...
Forget you read this entry.
Probably because I napped earlier in the evening. I shouldn't have, I know. But I felt so sleepy, and oh well, what's done is done...
The other thing is that I had another one of those spats with G. We were so okay these past few weeks - maybe the good run couldn't last any longer - but I was a bit disappointed that he's upset upon my insistence that he spend tomorrow with me and the kids. From Monday onwards, he'll be on a week-long job in Kuantan, and although he was on leave this week, it was more like a working week, since he was busy preparing for the tournament, and meeting up with people for future projects.
It is a strange feeling, that I crave his presence more than I did when we weren't staying together. And coupled with me being at home more than I was 6 months+ ago, now that I'm at home every time he comes home... I dunno. I don't expect him to be stuck to me like a conjoined twin for every seemingly mundane spousal task, of course, but isn't it a fair expectation that I get a piece of him, when everyone else can?
I guess it's just one of those days when we have to choose who gets to be happy. He chose to make me happy, but I know that he's unhappy, and so his choice now makes me unhappy. What a guilt trip. Sigh.
Even so, I'm not going to apologize for insisting this time. I hope things will be better in the morning...
Hmm... D is talking in his sleep. He's mumbling, "I love you, Ibu (Mum)" - which he usually does when he did something wrong, or when he wants something from me, or when he wants to distract me. I wonder what he's dreaming about.
A is recovering from an off-and-on fever he's been having the past few days. He's been quite active and taking food and drink well throughout, although with a higher than normal temperature, so I wasn't that worried. His temperature is almost back to normal since last night, so I'd give him another day before I take him off the fever meds.
Other than that, it's been quite boring, this last week of school holiday, since we're all recovering from the trauma of A's health scare. School starts again on Monday for D. Back to the grind then.
Some semblance of normalcy is back in the house. This week was spent vegetating at home - the only bad news we had was that Wan Umi had an accident, which fortunately didn't involve anyone else, and caused no bodily harm. Maybe some post-traumatic stress and a bruised ego. Other than that, it was just her car and a road divider, that resulted in the whole front bumper and grille being torn off. We're waiting for the verdict - how much it would cost to repair. Oh well, at least the car can still move. There was minimal damage to the engine. I think.
Other than that, I spent most of my day in the room this week, ever since we got back from the hospital. I've been re-reading the Twilight saga, and writing my story - well, it was more like re-writing. And then re-writing some more. I keep adding to the chapters, as I kept coming up with different ways of telling the story. The 1000 odd words I had per chapter now have swelled up to 2000 odd words. It's becoming an epic.
But just now, suddenly, I'm at a loss for words. Hmm... I've exhausted my vocabulary, I think. Or maybe, I'm just exhausted. I know I can become obsessed quite easily about things. And I know I can be distracted and bored just as easily. The trick is, to keep it interesting. How now, brown cow? Oh dear.
Tomorrow we'll bring the boys out. God knows they deserve an outing after being cooped up in the house the whole week. Next week is still school holidays. I need to come up with some activities for the boys. Ones that don't require much money, of course. But I did promise D we'd go see a movie. Maybe "Monsters vs. Aliens"? Hmmm... the one with Reese W. That should be interesting.
Adam, my dear son,
I will never forget 25th May 2009. It is, and will be, another page in the history of my life that shall mark me forever.
The bout of vomiting you had over the weekend before and the fever you were having a few days prior already had me worried. I was considering to bring you to the hospital to set up an IV line so that you could get the necessary fluids in your body, since you couldn't keep anything down. All weekend Bibik Oom and I were trying to get you to eat or drink something, but you just vomited everything out. Even water.
But I took the risk, and brought you to see the pediatrician that we always go to, and he gave the anti-vomit medication, while advising me to go straight to the hospital if your condition worsened. Your temperature didn't register higher than normal when we were at the doctor's, and I thought things will take a turn for the better, as we drove home.
Even as weak, and as tired as you were, from not having enough food to provide you with energy, you could still give me a smile, while you rested on the bed, watching your favorite Blue's Clues video. At least, by this time, you could drink some milk without vomiting, and I left you with Bibik Oom while I went to my room to check some emails and talk to Abah.
The next thing I remember was hearing Bibik Oom screaming from downstairs, that there's something wrong with you. I rushed to open my bedroom door, and she ran up the stairs, with you in her arms, looking limp and almost lifeless, face ashen, lips tinged with blue, and eyes rolled upwards.
My heart stopped, and I called out your name, and quickly took you to the bathroom sink to wash your face. Getting very limited response, I could feel panic settling into my bones, as we quickly rushed downstairs to get you to a hospital. Everything after that is now a blur in my head.
I could only remember shouting to your brother to get into the car, calling Abah and screaming that you're not breathing, telling him that I'm going to the nearest hospital, feeling helpless and terrified that I wouldn't make it to the hospital in time, driving as fast as I could in the evening rush hour but managing to pick up Abah on the way so that he could drive and I could hold you. I also remembered your brother calling out to me, asking me to calm down. So mature for a 6-year-old.
You felt cold. And you wouldn't respond to us calling your name. I remember checking your pulse, and your breathing, and I remember crying, feeling like my heart was torn out, praying to Allah to not take you from me yet, that you still have so much to live for. That I need you to live. So that I can live. The 20 minute drive to the hospital seemed forever and endless while I was trapped in helplessness.
I must've looked like a mad woman as I stumbled, crying, into the emergency room with you. The nurses took you and put you on the hospital bed, and you lied there sleeping, while they set up an IV line and hooked up all sorts of wires onto you. I felt I couldn't breathe as I tried to explain to them what happened. Words came out all jumbled up, and I was stuttering, as I tried to calm down and compose myself, assuring myself that you're okay, that you're breathing. That you're still alive. That was all that mattered.
Your Abah and I thought the worst was over, and after the necessary registration and documentation for admission into the hospital ward, I stayed with you, while Abah took Bibik Oom and your brother back home. I remember you then waking up, and tears of joy welled up in my eyes, and you didn't want to be put down, so I carried you, trying to soothe you while waiting for Abah to come back with your milk and clothes from home.
I remember calling Ama and Kong2 to tell them what happened, Wan Umi as well. Wan Uda and Wan Usu came to see you, but you refused to be near anyone else, so I held on to you while waiting for Abah. When he finally came, you wanted to drink some milk, and I was only too happy to see you drinking without vomiting. The specialist then came later, and after I repeated what I had related to the doctor in the emergency room, she came to the conclusion that this episode happened due to electrolyte imbalance - since you were vomiting and not keeping anything down the past few days. We agreed that you would be monitored this night, and further examination will be carried out later.
Like I said, Abah and I thought the worst was over. I was lying on the bed, a bit calmer now that we have spoken to the specialist. You were about to doze off, and Abah was carrying you, as he would only leave when you have fallen asleep, when suddenly he called out to me alarmingly, that you had gone stiff in his arms. I saw it this time.
You looked like you were going to vomit, but you couldn't, and started convulsing instead. I hit the emergency button next to the bed, calling frantically for the nurses to come. I took you from Abah to lay on my shoulder, you jerked around like you were being electrocuted, I was thumping your back, your eyes rolled upwards, there was secretion coming out of your mouth, Abah was calling your name, he was pressing the emergency button repeatedly, I was calling your name, you were turning blue, you weren't responding... where are those @#$%^& nurses!?!
Looking back, it seemed like a scene from TV - in slow motion. As I held you, still convulsing, the feeling of helplessness and despair came swiftly. When will this end? My head felt heavy. You felt heavy in my arms. I wanted to stop breathing. If you had left me, now, tonight, I wanted to die, too. I couldn't imagine the world without you. I prayed to Allah. Please, God, please. Please...
The nurses finally came and took you from me, and Abah and I had to step aside, watching them tend to you. The convulsions finally stopped after a minute that seemed like an eternity, and then you slept. A curtain of peace across your face. Had Allah heard me?
Abah and I took turns to stay up throughout the night, watching for the slightest inclination of another episode. Thankfully there were no further episodes, even after we transferred you to the hospital Aunt Liz was working at, the next day. And after 5 days in the hospital, where you were back to your cheeky self by the third day but we had to finish the 5-day antibiotic course, we are now back home, and I could hear you now, laughing and throwing things downstairs.
You are back. Life has never seemed so fragile and so...temporary. God has given me another chance with you. I know it was selfish of me, to forget that your brother, too, and Abah, as well, need me, if something were to happen to you. But at that moment, when I thought I was going to lose you, and I would do it again if it came to that, I would have given my life in your place. As I would, if it happened to your brother.
We have Aunt Liz to thank for all the strings she pulled to get you a bed in the hospital. We have the doctors and nurses in both hospitals to thank for helping us in our time of need. We have to thank Abah and Bibik Oom and your brother, Danial, for being the gravity in our lives, for holding us all together. And mostly, we have Allah to thank that this is not yet your time to leave this world.
I love you, my darling son. More than you will ever know.
Your mother.
