homemade blues

I was thinking - which is never a good thing, because I tend to over analyze - about my life (so far). I've got two wonderful (and quite two handfuls) boys, a loving (and sometimes quite annoying) husband, an amazing helper (which I don't know what I would do without), a great group of girlfriends (they know who they are) and a caring family... And I've come down to a conclusion that I'm downright - ordinary.

Hmmm. I've always liked ordinary. I've always abhorred attention of any kind. I've always felt comfortable being "unknown". I've always made choices that won't expose myself to any chance of negativity. And I think I've gotten too good at it, so now I'm not only "unknown", I am also "forgotten".

Hold your horses, peeps who know me and take time to read my rants.

I've just been dwelling on the fact that I've no idea what my talents are. What makes me special. I know I'm kind, and sincere, and known for my integrity and empathy, but what good is that in a dog-eat-dog world we live in these days? I've been given this opportunity to find out what I want to do (that I enjoy) and after almost 6 months, I'm still trying to figure it out.

I've been mulling over the idea that I can write (I'm working on it!), but I don't know if I'm any good at it. What if people can't relate to it? Or worse, what if people don't like it? Can I handle criticism? Or worse, can I handle rejection?

I read other people's blogs, and most will have something that they're passionate about, and so will write about, and will have pictures about, and...what do I have? I write about being passionate about writing, but what do I have to show for myself?

I know, I know. But if you don't try, how will you know? And if you fail, try and try again... Yadda-yadda-yadda. Saying it, is not like experiencing it, ok? I don't even know if I'm ready to go there. Arrrgh! It's a lifetime of insecurities, I must say. I'll readily admit that I'm a coward, afraid to take risks to avoid getting hurt. And avoid hurting other people who have great expectations of me.

It's not of an earth-shattering issue, of course, this low self esteem of mine. There are others having worse problems a million times over. I'm just like an insignificant speck of dust on the top shelf of the cabinet in the room under the stairs...

Forget you read this entry.