homemade blues

I'm in a dilemma. It's not that big of a dilemma. But a dilemma nevertheless...

A's operation has been postponed. To next year. 2010. Hmmm...

Story is - on Monday (23 March), we finally got to meet the actual pediatric surgeon who will work on A. A was asleep, as luck would have it, and the surgeon got a good look at him, and she told us that A is just too small for any operation(s) to happen anytime soon. She explained to us in great detail what she would be doing in the operation, and there are certain pre-requisites that need to be fulfilled before anything can be done. Particularly, the size.

"I can do it sooner," she says,"but there are too many risks of complications..."

So it has been decided for G and me. The next appointment will be 18 Jan 2010.

My dilemma is - as those of you who would know, the main reason (or excuse?) I requested for this whole year off from work, is to care for A. And of course, if you refer to my earlier posts (earlier than 1st Jan 2009), I wanted - needed - this break from work, because I believe I'm burning out. I really truly do.

Now what do I do?

I can't NOT go back to work. The operation has been postponed. It's against my principles to "trick" the company that I'm caring for my child when I am not. Even if I did, I can't request for another year of sabbatical leave in 2010. That would be... I don't have a word for it. That's not even considering whether the company would consider such a thing. I'm not anybody special that they can't live without. As it is, they are doing fine without me. I think. No news is good news, right?

But if I don't work there anymore, what would I do? I can't be staying at home permanently. How can we financially maintain what we have? And if I do want to work somewhere else, or work at something else, what is it? That's how pathetic I am. I don't think I ever had a dream. Or a secret ambition. I don't even know what my special skills / talents are. I just did what people told me to do.

I feel like I'm at a crossroad. And I hate making decisions.

Grrr. I had the best laid-out plans. Now it's back to the drawing board. I've been thinking since Monday afternoon. I can't think anymore. Correction. I don't want to think about it anymore.