homemade blues

Ibu called me up yesterday telling me that Nenek (Grandma) is having one of her episodes again - refusing to eat, telling everyone that Atuk (Granddad) is coming to get her, talking to Atuk, etc... I called Mak Usu (my youngest aunt - Nenek stays with her), but she was just going home from work, and she said she'll call me when she gets home and after assessing the situation. Well, she hasn't called me yet up to this morning, but I'm not assuming the worst... Ibu is coming on the 9.05am flight from KB, and I'll have to leave in a while coz (as Fairul tells me) AirAsia had the earliest flight out of KB, so it's to LCCT I go...

I feel bad because - feeling bad is the only emotion I can muster up at the moment. Which will p*$$ Ibu off because she'll expect me to feel sad and anxious and beside myself, at the very thought of Nenek's possible demise. I feel bad because - this is already the umpteenth time Nenek has had this sort of episode, and everytime... EVERY time... she still... lingers (for lack of a better word). I mean, she's already - what - 80 years old, she's got dementia (or Alzheimers, I don't know), she can hardly move around, she can hardly remember her own name, she's depressed, she's unhappy, and I'm sure she can't remember why she's depressed and unhappy...

I feel bad because - I don't feel sad... Is that cruel of me? How can I be so unemotional towards this person - who apparently brought me up from when I was a baby, until I was 4 years old? Then again, I was never very close to her - I was closer to Atuk... Then again, I think I'm sort of resigned to the fact that it's about time she is relieved of her worldly burdens. It's been too long, I think, and she's suffered enough... We're just waiting...

Mak Usu just called - after all my missed calls to both her hp? - and told me that it was a false alarm... as expected... My 2nd youngest aunt, Mak Uda, was the one who called Ibu up and told Ibu I-don't-know-what... Oops, it's already ten minutes past 9am. Time to go to the airport...